The Civilian

An unassuming young man sitting quietly on the figurative couch, watching the figurative TV. Sitting during the calm of the day, in thought. There’s a purposely naïve air that surrounds his existence. He floats through life with an overconfident aura and an unabashed willingness to be optimistic. But deep inside there are insecure notions that plug at him; Does his life have any meaning? Why does his job require a fake persona? Does he have a supreme love? Hypocrisy begins revealing itself throughout all life including his own. The ability to use time and his own awareness are his primary worries. There are also trivial personal worries, about how gods and people have betrayed his trust and used him. He worries, but all in all he is a pretty happy guy with a low self-esteem, and a calm world around him.

In the distance he sees massive figurative storms of life all over the world through telecommunications. People being taken from their homes because they do not conform. Countries being occupied for political gain. People losing their children, “how do the parents continue?” He asked. He then relieves his mind of this subject by reading Steinbeck novels with an obsessive passion and reminiscing about his life. How fun it was when he was a boy, and how disturbing and boring it is to be an adult. Subconsciously he knows one of these storms is lurking on his horizon that will test and forever change his boring monotonous little life.

As he sits waiting on death, a clap of thunder occurs. The Storm is upon him. His partner is with child and delivering. She delivers a child that is not healthy. Both feel guilty, but blame the other for faulty strains of life. The clouds are circling around him. His world is off the balance of reality, as his child dies 18 months after its birth.

This is the storm that ravages. It’s nature’s beast of mortality, an eye opening rape of soul, beliefs, and the very foundation of character. This storm has taken his child. This beautiful being that never had a chance. He then travels into insanity and depression. He believes he will never continue. It seems he will wallow in his own sadness and pity until he dies. The shear ferocity of this storm has uprooted all of his emotions. He is left in a hole that keeps sinking. He needs something, someone, the time keeps rolling by and nothing changes. Oh the sadness. The choked up lump in his throat remains. That terrible lump that only goes away when he is sobbing in selfish pity on his hands and knees. Everyday he wakes, alone, to the horrific notion of living again. He reaches for the needle and the straw for comfort. His brother, not of the same blood but a brother just the same, walks into the drug ring also. They go down even further together. He finds himself in a field of pride, briars, snakes, and nightmares of what he has done to escape reality. He must cross this field and walk through his own shame. He turns to his brother and asked him to walk through the field with him. The brother tries but this field is too great a task, and he is too frail and weak. His own hand ends his misery. With one less offspring and one less brother our decayed character has made it to the other side.

Then a spark, a rebuilding of his soul begins from the ground up. He will rebuild himself. In the aftermath of all these emotions he will find his partner again in time. Although this is not easy. He can never seem to live up to her lofty expectations. She wishes on a star that shines too bright. Their relationship will forever be confusing, but comfortable.

He then arrives at peace through the unequivocal knowledge of life’s resilience. He has found a new level of acceptance. He will never be as gullible about life as he was before the death of his child. There will never be a concession to true happiness or to complete unhopeful sadness. He has tasted pain, and inside that pain he has had a call to arms of the emotions of strength, love, and caring. He now stands even. “This is the key to the foundation of character,” he thinks. The harmonious acceptance of these emotions is the only thing that allowed him to survive. The clouds are parting and this storm is moving on. He is now truly calm and confident to face the days and other storms that will come. He will never completely heal or understand. But he will go on………….

And he will rest.